Great Joke from my Uncle

My Uncle Jim sent me this joke the other day. It's a keeper!

$50 Lesson

The folks down the street came walking by a few days ago with their seven-year-old daughter and stopped to say 'Hi'.

During small talk chat I asked the little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents are no longer speaking to me.

At what point did saying "Merry Christmas" become Politically Incorrect?

At what point did saying "Merry Christmas" become Politically Incorrect? I mean, seriously. Is it really so wrong to wish somebody a Merry Christmas? Do we mean something bad when we run across someone who is a Jew or Muslim and wish them a Merry Christmas? Do Jews or Muslims take offense to the Merry Christmas wish? Is this whole blog just going to be questions? Well, could be. Oh shoot, I just blew it! I just don't understand why anyone would take offense to a Merry Christmas wish. We mean no ill will. It's just like saying have a great day. Being that it's the holiday season we say Merry Christmas instead. I don't know why we have to walk on eggshells during the holiday season. Don't say Merry Christmas, say Happy Holidays so you don't offend anyone. Well, here's my take on it. MERRY CHRISTMAS! If you're offended than too bad. There is too many other things going on in this world to take offense to than a simple "I hope your Christmas is good" wish. If you are disappointed by this post I hope Santa's reindeer decide to get rid of their Christmas eve dinner right over your house. All sarcasm aside, I hope everyone has a great Christmas no matter how you celebrate the holiday season. God Bless!

Literally, Literally, Literally etc...

It is interesting how the word literally has really got out of hand over the past few years. Before it was the word SURREAL that was the newcomer but now LITERALLY has taken over. This word wouldn't bother me at all if people just used it right. A fine example of correct usage was on the Disney Channel Show, "Suite Life on Deck" (don't ask why I was watching this show) where either Zak or Cody was buried up to his neck in sand and ant were supposedly attacking him. After he was freed from being buried in the sand he said, "I have ants in my pants, literally!" Good job! Correctly used.

But here's a little exaggeration of how most people use literally.

"I literally don't understand why literally so many people literally use the word literally in just about every situation they literally are in. It has literally come to my attention that the overuse of the word literally can literally drive a person up a wall. Why don't people just literally take the word literally, literally out of their vocabulary?" Not once in that obscure paragraph was the word literally used correctly. The only spot that came close was where I said "literally drive a person up a wall" if that's even possible, which I doubt.

The only time the word literally should be used is when you are saying some sort of cliche and it actually happened. For example, if you got up right when the sun started to peak it's head over the horizon you could say, "We literally got up at the crack of dawn." On the other hand, if you got up at 5:30am which may have been the crack of dawn, saying, "We literally got up at 5:30am." it's not correct. Just say, "We got up at 5:30am." Now you could say, "We actually got up at 5:30am." That would be correct, but not literally. Are you following me? I hope so.

So from now on when you use the word literally, make sure you're using it correctly. If your not sure, leave it out. It doesn't make you seem any smarter, especially when it's used wrong. Now I'm finishing my rant on the word literally. It's almost 1:00am and all my dogs are sleeping and even though I'm tempted to wake some of them up I'm literally going to let sleeping dogs lie. Now that wasn't so hard was it?

What I didn't tell you was.....

I don't know why and I don't know for what reason I decided to go to the ventriloquist convention back in 1980. I've got to think that Sue some how encouraged me to go. I never went any other year and this was the first year I was together with Sue. It's been a great 29, 30, 31 years with Sue. She has been so good and put up with a lot from me. But when I went to the 1980 ventriloquist convention, I was looking at the puppets and one that stood out was a cat puppet by Puppetcraft. I looked at it everyday and, even though Verna Findley had quite a selection there I kept going back to the cat puppet (for the record, I don't care for cats!). Sue was a big fan of cats back then and maybe that's why I decided (as a matter of fact, I know that's why I decided) to get the cat puppet. I took him home and named him Fuzzball, the name of one of Sue's favorite cats. For years I had no routine for him and then, one day, it all came together. I am now on my second Fuzzball figure (made by Mary Ann Taylor) and he is the hit of my show. Thanks to Sue for all of her encouragement! Next blog I will tell you about how I got involved in I-Fest!

Can it get any crazier?

I don't know about you but just when you think everything is starting to turn around, many times, it goes backwards. What does it all mean Basil? I've started a new phase in my life and I am trying to do the right things. As I plug away I still can't help but notice it still seems like I'm spinning my wheels. What do I need to do? What is my ultimate goal here? You see, I'm confused. Isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Anyway, I'm just hoping that the ramblings of a lunatic mind might just help me to get some support. I'm reaching out here. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? LOL! I'm really not desperate, but I'm sure many of you have felt this way before as well. Thanks for listening. I'm going to bed now, PMPs tomorrow with Bill Walters and Mike Edwards. Loads of fun.

Punch Dub? WHAT???

What's up with VW and their commercials with the Punch Dub? Where in the world did this saying come from? PUNCH DUB? And when do you say it and punch someone? Whenever you see any VW what so ever. There goes a Jetta, PUNCH DUB! There goes a Beetle, PUNCH DUB! There goes a VW CC, PUNCH DUB! And what about the saying itself? When I was growing up, back in the 70's we would say SLUG BUG (you see how slug and bug rhyme? It kind of makes sense doesn't it?) whenever we saw a beetle and we would slug (hit) someone. Now as my kids got in there teens they started saying punch bug. I tried to correct them but to no avail. They still said punch bug. But now punch dub? I think this saying is just ridiculous and it's nothing like the game we used to play. I say let's get back to slug bug once again and cut all this punch dub stuff out.

How to make the Kookaburra Bird laugh.

When Poison enters.

Have you every worked at a place where everyone worked well together and everything just clicked? You know, the left hand always knows what the right hand is doing. There are times that associates work together like a fine tuned machine. Like the way the pistons and the valves work in an engine or a healthy heart and the lungs work together. Everything running smooth, all parts doing what they're supposed to. The nice thing about a group of people who work well together is that one person will help another out without even being asked. Then, one day, poison steps in. Like dirt in the engine or smoke in the lungs. All of the sudden a machine that was clicking on all cylinders is not working at all. Some times we deal with this in our work place. Someone comes in to a workplace, a sales team or a territory that causes all kinds of problems. The sad thing is that management may not always recognize it. As a matter of fact, there are times when management is the last to know. Many times the other associates know the truth before management. Hence, the poison continues to fester and once everything settles and the poison is finally removed, there is a lot of work to be done. In the body, organs may need replace. In an engine you may need a new short block. In the work place you very well may need to resell your clients as to why they should stay with your product or may have to re earn your customers trust. My suggestion, listen to your employees, ask them if they can think of anyone who they would coin as poison. Maybe they can see someone who isn't poison yet but could be pushed to become poison. Then you can take the precautions so that this doesn't happen. Bottom line, listen and talk to your employees. Listen and talk to your customers. Chances are they know the poison way before you and, caught quick enough, you can stop it before it becomes a major problem.

1 Hour a Day

Interesting comment my son Andrew said to me yesterday. "If you just commit 1 hour a day to ventriloquism, imagine how much better you will be a year from now." 1 hour a day. Interesting, that's 365 days a year or 365 hours a year. Let's break that down into even more reasonable numbers 365 - 104 (skipping Saturdays and Sundays) is still 261 hours a year. If you subtract another 10 hours for vacations and 5 more hours for whatever reason you still have 246 hours a year. Now if you dedicate 246 hours a year to anything it's going to improve but only if you 1) Have a plan and 2) Work that plan. So I figured, how about dedicating 1 hour a day to ventriloquism, 1 hour a day to magic and mentalism and 1 hour a day to AutoTrader.com. That only 3 hours a day. I can find 3 hours a day by 1) Getting up 1 hour earlier 2) Watching 1 hour less TV a day and 3) Well, watching another hour less TV. Good advice from my son that I'm going to pursue starting today! Enjoy the video below!

Just got back from the hospital!

Had a fairly nice stay at Trumbull Memorial Hospital this last week. Had a chance to lay in bed, rest, have antibiotics pumped through my veins constantly and share rooms with a guy that was in more pain than I was. It all started on Friday when I had to get my stomach checked because it was hurting so bad (actually, I had gone to urgent care on Wednesday and they diagnosed it as a urinary tract infection). After getting a CATscan they came to the conclusion that I had, get ready for it, DIVERTICULITIS.
Now any of you SNL (Saturday Night Live) fans out there remember Doug and Wendy Whiner. They always complained about their diverticulitis. We all laughed at it. We thought it was silly. I mean, what a name for a sickness, it just sounds like a made up word! Well, I got news for you, it's no laughing matter! It feels like you just got kicked in the groin and the pain never goes away! (On a side note, diverticulitis is an inflamed diverticulosis so Doug and Wendy, most likely have diverticulosis not diverticulitis.)


I love staying in the hospital. You always have at least one person on the floor that is out of their mind and just yell peoples names, "Laura, Laura, Norma, Nancy, Nurse, Miss, Mommy" constantly all night long. Plus you have a nice uninterrupted sleep all night long. "Mr. Robison I need to take your temperature, Mr. Robison I have your new antibiotic can you tell me your full name, date of birth, allergies, social diseases, government bond serial numbers, blood type ....." And the food is always so good, I was on a clear liquid diet for the first few days which included broth, jello, and tea. Next I retired to FULL liquid diet which included cream of wheat for breakfast (still trying to figure out how that's a liquid) and strained soup for lunch and dinner. And don't forget the mighty shake!!! YUMMY!

It was mostly cleared up by Tuesday and I thought the doctor was going to send me home that day but when I had the CATscan (I know that's not how you spell it but I also know it's annoying some of you! ) they found a small spot on my kidney and they wanted to get a biopsy on the kidney so, blessing of blessings, I got to stay another day!

The biopsy went well and they found it was only scar tissue (which leads me to another question, how do you get scar tissue on a kidney?) And I got to come home today, PRAISE THE LORD! Now if I only didn't have to go back next week for skin graphs where they put all the adhesive during my stay! What kind of glue do that use on hospital tape anyway? I'll tell you this much, if it ever got out on the free market the superglue/crazyglue companies will be out of business!

Be Strong!

Another great devotion today from Positive Living Day by Day by Norman Vincent Peale. If you don't have this book I would highly suggest getting it.

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Positive Living Day by Day

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He gives strength to the weary and increases power to the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Nobody can live successfully in this world without being strong. You may be pampered and protected when you are a child, but you have to learn to be strong as you mature, because sooner or later, life will throw the book at you. Sometimes it will throw the whole book at you all at once. You have to get adjusted so you won't collapse under the trouble, or give way under difficulty, or fold under the blow of adversity. I sometimes think that the greatest virtue of all is to be strong.

Christianity is a way of life that makes people strong. You can have all the strength you will ever need if you build into yourself the love of God and stay close to Jesus until He becomes part of you.

Our Heavenly Father, we give You thanks for the great power that comes to us from You through Jesus Christ. Amen.

Devotion this morning in Postive Living Day by Day.

Just got up this morning and grabbed the devotional book "Positive Living Day by Day by Norman Vincent Peale" and thought everyone would appreciate what the devotion had to say this morning. It's short so take the time to read it. I think you'll enjoy it and have a better attitude after reading it. Here it is.

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"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." JEREMIAH 29:12-13

How deeply do we believe? Do we just believe superficially, without depth or commitment? In the book of Jeremiah we read, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Nobody ever made anything great out of his life who didn't do it with his whole heart.

I remember talking to a celebrity years ago. I knew that she had had a great deal of trouble in her life. I asked, "How come you keep at it with such enthusiasm?"

"Why," she answered, "because I love it. I give my whole self to it." And she did; she threw everything she had into it. If you give yourself with all your heart to your business, to your children, to your marriage, to your future, to your hopes, you are going to come out with something that is lasting and strong.

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Hope this helps your day. Great words to live by!

You want what you don't have.

Who were those kids who always had the steelies that were about 3 inches in diameter? You marble players all know who I'm talking about. We would play keepsies and the kid would always come up with a steelie that half the size of a school globe and say, "You want to play?" I would always say, "What are the rules?" (Real smart, have the kid with the biggest, shiniest marble make up the rules) "OK", he says, "I just have to hit your marble once and you have to hit mine a bazillion times." To which I would always reply, "OK". Did I expect to win? NO! But if I could only hit it a bazillion times I could have that bright shiny steelie and be the envy of all my friends! Little did I know I could just go to the auto parts store and pick one up. As a matter of fact I never beat those kids at marbles. But isn't that always the case? You want what you don't have and you'll do stupid things to get it.

Here's another example. BB guns. My mom hated them. She said that I was not allowed to have a BB gun. "Under know uncertain terms can you have a BB gun." So guess what I always wanted. You guessed it, a BB gun. Would I have wanted it if my mother didn't care whether I had one or not? I can't answer that because all I know is, since she didn't want me to have one, I wanted one. One day my neighbor Ronnie got a new BB gun and wanted to sell me his old one. I don't even remember where I got the money but I ended up with his old BB gun and hid it where no mother would ever look, under my bed with the last 7 editions of Club and Penthouse magazines (hey I was a kid, nowadays they have the internet). And some how, I can't remember how, my mother found out about it. I had to give it back to Ronnie and he even got to keep the money (although the joke is most likely on my Dad because I may have paid for it with some of his Ben Franklin 50 cent pieces!) Another thing I didn't have and always wanted.

But even the most trivial things that you don't have you want. We didn't have a basement. If we could go over to someones house and spend time in the basement it was like a whole new world to us. "You have a basement? Let's go over to your house." "You have your room in the basement? Oh my gosh that must be awesome!" I thought that feeling would be gone when you got older. You know, envy, want, need for what you don't have. Guess what, I DOESN'T.

I remember going to the ventriloquist convention back in 1980, I already had a Semok figure but saw Conrad Hartz and John Arvites (sorry if I spelled it wrong) and the work they did and I wanted one from each of them. I got the Hartz. Then I saw Verna Findley's work and wanted one of hers. She quit making them before I finally got a soft puppet but I love Mary Ann Taylor's work! Now there's that Selberg guy, haven't got one of those yet. You see, hasn't changed at all. The only difference is my mom's not telling me I can't have it any more. I guess that's why it says in the 23 Psalms, The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. We shouldn't want for anything and definitely not envy someone who does have something we don't. But then again, that is our nature.

The sad thing about it is, once you do get what you've desired, that's it. You're desire is over. You've got it and now what, YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE! Then the process starts all over again. So sad. Here's the thing, I don't think I ever even shot that BB gun and if I would have won that beautiful steelie, what then? And since then I've had a basement, no big deal. So maybe I will close this with some wise words from a very unusual source. Mick Jagger! Who said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Don't dismiss Global Warming

All you nay sayers out there that are dismissing Global Warming and saying that it was all a hoax shame on you. It will only be a matter of time till it comes back in full force! This is just the calm before the storm. I know it's snowing in Florida but I'm sure it's snowed there before. Ever hear of the ice age? Yes, with in a year you will be thanking me for giving you the heads up on global warming. I mean, if the president is putting together a panel to study the effects of global warming it has to be coming back doesn't it? Of course! Our president wouldn't spend money for no reason! He doesn't have a track record of that.

Al Gore was right! We need to watch out. The planet has a fever and you know how you get the chills when you have a fever? Well, the planet has the chills. Yeah, THAT'S IT! The planet has the chills. Maybe we can throw a warm blanket over the planet and give it some asprin and it will all go away. Or how about a big vat of Chicken Soup? Anyway, don't forget your sunscreen this summer, it's going to be a hot one!

Negative Words (PITCH)

One thing that can help us or kill us as salespeople (and everyone is a salesperson whether you want to admit it or not) is words. The words that we select when we are presenting ourselves or our product can make or break us. Now it's fairly easy when we are talking to friends and family to not be too concerned about the words we us but it is then when we need to be most cautious of all. Because that's when our guard is down. I'm going to discuss, over the next few blogs, negative words that we use that may not even seem negative to us but may have an impact on our production and every day lives.

The first word I'm going to discuss is a pet peeve of mine and is most often used in the words of a person who is in the sales industry. That word is PITCH. I'm sure, even if your not in sales, you have heard a salesperson use this word. "Let me give you my pitch." "After she finished her pitch." "We can discuss your questions in more detail after I am finished with my pitch." The problem with this word is, even in the last 3 statements I wrote, it just sounds negative. How do you feel when you hear this word? If someone is giving you their "PITCH" do you feel good about that person or do you feel their trying to pull something over on you.

Let's think about a pitch from the baseball standpoint. When a pitcher throws a pitch is he looking for the batter to hit it or to miss? AH! So when a salesperson gives a pitch are they looking for you to strike out or to hit a home run? I guess that would depend on what YOUR opinion of a home run would be. If a home run is buying their product (which it usually isn't, they are trying to give you the benefits of buying their product, you are trying to figure how to keep the money in you pocket) then they do want you to hit a home run. If, on the other hand, your home run is listening to his PITCH and getting out of there (a strike out in their eyes) than that's not a good thing for the salesperson.

So, what do we do? How do we get rid of this negative word and replace it with something positive. Very easy! Let's take pitch out of our vocabulary (unless it's a tent or you really are playing baseball) and replace it with the nice positive word of PRESENTATION. "Let me give you my presentation." "After she finished her presentation." "We can discuss your questions in more detail after I am finished with my presentation." How do you feel after you read these statements? Is it as negative as it was when the word was ....... WAIT ..... we're taking that out of our vocabulary. Isn't PRESENTATION a much better word? It sounds like your doing your job, not trying to pull something over on someone. It sounds much more professional and, best of all, let's the customer feel at ease. I will always let have time to listen to someones presentation but will always be apprehensive with a salesperson's (dare I say) pitch.