Great Joke from my Uncle

My Uncle Jim sent me this joke the other day. It's a keeper!

$50 Lesson

The folks down the street came walking by a few days ago with their seven-year-old daughter and stopped to say 'Hi'.

During small talk chat I asked the little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents are no longer speaking to me.

At what point did saying "Merry Christmas" become Politically Incorrect?

At what point did saying "Merry Christmas" become Politically Incorrect? I mean, seriously. Is it really so wrong to wish somebody a Merry Christmas? Do we mean something bad when we run across someone who is a Jew or Muslim and wish them a Merry Christmas? Do Jews or Muslims take offense to the Merry Christmas wish? Is this whole blog just going to be questions? Well, could be. Oh shoot, I just blew it! I just don't understand why anyone would take offense to a Merry Christmas wish. We mean no ill will. It's just like saying have a great day. Being that it's the holiday season we say Merry Christmas instead. I don't know why we have to walk on eggshells during the holiday season. Don't say Merry Christmas, say Happy Holidays so you don't offend anyone. Well, here's my take on it. MERRY CHRISTMAS! If you're offended than too bad. There is too many other things going on in this world to take offense to than a simple "I hope your Christmas is good" wish. If you are disappointed by this post I hope Santa's reindeer decide to get rid of their Christmas eve dinner right over your house. All sarcasm aside, I hope everyone has a great Christmas no matter how you celebrate the holiday season. God Bless!

Literally, Literally, Literally etc...

It is interesting how the word literally has really got out of hand over the past few years. Before it was the word SURREAL that was the newcomer but now LITERALLY has taken over. This word wouldn't bother me at all if people just used it right. A fine example of correct usage was on the Disney Channel Show, "Suite Life on Deck" (don't ask why I was watching this show) where either Zak or Cody was buried up to his neck in sand and ant were supposedly attacking him. After he was freed from being buried in the sand he said, "I have ants in my pants, literally!" Good job! Correctly used.

But here's a little exaggeration of how most people use literally.

"I literally don't understand why literally so many people literally use the word literally in just about every situation they literally are in. It has literally come to my attention that the overuse of the word literally can literally drive a person up a wall. Why don't people just literally take the word literally, literally out of their vocabulary?" Not once in that obscure paragraph was the word literally used correctly. The only spot that came close was where I said "literally drive a person up a wall" if that's even possible, which I doubt.

The only time the word literally should be used is when you are saying some sort of cliche and it actually happened. For example, if you got up right when the sun started to peak it's head over the horizon you could say, "We literally got up at the crack of dawn." On the other hand, if you got up at 5:30am which may have been the crack of dawn, saying, "We literally got up at 5:30am." it's not correct. Just say, "We got up at 5:30am." Now you could say, "We actually got up at 5:30am." That would be correct, but not literally. Are you following me? I hope so.

So from now on when you use the word literally, make sure you're using it correctly. If your not sure, leave it out. It doesn't make you seem any smarter, especially when it's used wrong. Now I'm finishing my rant on the word literally. It's almost 1:00am and all my dogs are sleeping and even though I'm tempted to wake some of them up I'm literally going to let sleeping dogs lie. Now that wasn't so hard was it?

What I didn't tell you was.....

I don't know why and I don't know for what reason I decided to go to the ventriloquist convention back in 1980. I've got to think that Sue some how encouraged me to go. I never went any other year and this was the first year I was together with Sue. It's been a great 29, 30, 31 years with Sue. She has been so good and put up with a lot from me. But when I went to the 1980 ventriloquist convention, I was looking at the puppets and one that stood out was a cat puppet by Puppetcraft. I looked at it everyday and, even though Verna Findley had quite a selection there I kept going back to the cat puppet (for the record, I don't care for cats!). Sue was a big fan of cats back then and maybe that's why I decided (as a matter of fact, I know that's why I decided) to get the cat puppet. I took him home and named him Fuzzball, the name of one of Sue's favorite cats. For years I had no routine for him and then, one day, it all came together. I am now on my second Fuzzball figure (made by Mary Ann Taylor) and he is the hit of my show. Thanks to Sue for all of her encouragement! Next blog I will tell you about how I got involved in I-Fest!

Can it get any crazier?

I don't know about you but just when you think everything is starting to turn around, many times, it goes backwards. What does it all mean Basil? I've started a new phase in my life and I am trying to do the right things. As I plug away I still can't help but notice it still seems like I'm spinning my wheels. What do I need to do? What is my ultimate goal here? You see, I'm confused. Isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Anyway, I'm just hoping that the ramblings of a lunatic mind might just help me to get some support. I'm reaching out here. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? LOL! I'm really not desperate, but I'm sure many of you have felt this way before as well. Thanks for listening. I'm going to bed now, PMPs tomorrow with Bill Walters and Mike Edwards. Loads of fun.

Punch Dub? WHAT???

What's up with VW and their commercials with the Punch Dub? Where in the world did this saying come from? PUNCH DUB? And when do you say it and punch someone? Whenever you see any VW what so ever. There goes a Jetta, PUNCH DUB! There goes a Beetle, PUNCH DUB! There goes a VW CC, PUNCH DUB! And what about the saying itself? When I was growing up, back in the 70's we would say SLUG BUG (you see how slug and bug rhyme? It kind of makes sense doesn't it?) whenever we saw a beetle and we would slug (hit) someone. Now as my kids got in there teens they started saying punch bug. I tried to correct them but to no avail. They still said punch bug. But now punch dub? I think this saying is just ridiculous and it's nothing like the game we used to play. I say let's get back to slug bug once again and cut all this punch dub stuff out.

How to make the Kookaburra Bird laugh.